gdance video #5

just posted a new video on Vimeo. Check it out.

The Marlow Knows.

flow... ... . . . ... . . . . .

I was in one of my favorite parts of Columbus, leaving a coffee shop walking to my car when it started to rain. I quickly threw my bags into my car, dropped off some valuables, threw off my shirt and lept out into the storm (and I mean storm...raindrops the size of tennis rackets, people.) I ran around the little cobblestone village for a fair amount of time until the rain died down. I continued my walk, away from the car, until it started to pour even harder. This was getting pretty ridiculous, it was getting late, and I was getting to a not as nice part of town. I speedily turned to head back, badgered by the intense amount of water hitting my face. About half way to my car I fell upon a spot. I was drenched, the cobblestone lay unevenly below my feet, and little surrounded me other than the brick houses that sheltered all others from the rain. I stopped. I looked around. and I danced...I danced for quite some time. I did just that, doing little more than simply letting all my senses activate...

Raindrops fell like gravity was turned up times two, the lampposts burned as glowing spheres ignorant to the downward flow of water, the houses that lined the alleyway sat as unique as anything that is born in its natural environment, and the cobblestone...the cobblestone was the best part! The cobblestone jutted in every direction, refusing to be stagnant and predictable. I constantly had to reevaluate my footing while taking in my surroundings (both internal and external) and whipping through it all while I flew between over thinking my movement and finding moments of flow. The kind of flow that negotiated all that was being experienced without much consciously directed thought. I was surrounded by energy of all kinds, and was having a damn good time.

Club Dancing

This is a slight departure for this blog: I tend to write in direct relation to "guerrilla dancing," or rather, the times when I say "Now I'm going to dance as part of my project!!"

yet, last night something stuck out to me like a sore thumb. I took a trip to a local bar of downtown Columbus to dance with some friends of mine. While we were there doing our thing on the dance floor amidst the bumping, grinding, and awkward shifting of feet most displayed, one person stood out. There was this really short (5 footish), slightly husky, spectacled, semi-attractive guy dancing his heart out...all by himself. On a dance floor where almost everyone is either with a group, dancing with a partner, or if alone is on the side looking for another to dance with, this guy was truly outside of what seemed to be that dance floor's norm. For quite some time though, he just kept going, as if it was the last night he'd ever be able to dance again. It wasn't as if he was dancing - "like no one was watching" - but instead as if he was completely aware of his surroundings, and was simply unaffected: he wanted to dance, his way, and so he did.

Within 15-20 minutes after he began dancing, girls started to approach him. First it was just one, then another, and soon a space had been cleared, he was surrounded by a crowd, and several girls took their turn (sometimes two at a time) to dance with him. Even then, while he did seem to be enjoying himself, his face showed no sign of "yeah! look at how many girls I'm getting, and everyone is watching me!" instead his expression stayed in a place of somewhat of a solemn, internal focus. In a place where just about everyone followed a set of rules, rules that depended on others in just about every case, the one person who was gathering the most amount of positive attention was the one who had little to no dependency on the thoughts, support, or perspective of others - even when he was flooded with all those "power in numbers" social supports. He was never tempted to let it affect him; nothing seemed important except for that moment in which he was doing what he enjoyed; and this continued to be true when the crowd had dissipated and he was back to soloing again.

interesting

Blind Man

A blind man asked us to dance today. It hit me as a monumental happening. I feel like there are about 50 million potent meanings (probably related to my documentary) that I could find within that event. But what could they be?

My initial thought is simply the fact that most people are going to pay attention to a blind man attempting to dance, and that there is a potential for embarrassment. Why would he decide to be involved then? Especially when he is perfectly aware (he said as much) that he doesn't know how to dance - he wanted to be taught.

It all makes me wonder if he simply doesn't realize the social implications of a blind person attempting to dance, an act - while mainly kinesthetic - is largely learned via the visual sense. It seems obvious to me that everyone will be looking at him...but maybe that's the point. He probably, as someone who did not grow up seeing, has little to no concept of others looking at him, and him (as a result) getting embarrassed. It probably does not cross his mind in the same way as one who can see.

But he must have some concept of others awareness of him. I wonder what makes him embarrassed then. Especially because I usually feel embarrassment when I feel others' eyes on me. I am so interested in talking to him, and knowing why he finds such an interest in dancing, and if the thought of embarrassment even crossed his mind. Simply because, well, most people I talk to don't want to join the dancing simply because of fear of embarrassment.

Soloing - Slow Walk

I talked earlier about consequences, and I think this event that happened to me recently while guerrillering around the town provided a viable petri dish (if you will) to look at just such a concept.

Today was my first slow walk (another type of experiment, similar to the soloing, that I am going to start). Basically, I just walked from one location to another really slowly. We did some slow moving type activities last quarter, but we did out of the ordinary actions (like pretending to race really slowly) while today I engaged in everyday actions, with one simple difference: speed.

So, I went to Brenen's (a nearby cafe), and walked from the entrance to the counter. Early on in my journey, the girl behind the counter told me that I "was creeping her out. But I don't know if that is the point." I ignored the comment as I slowly walked while unzipping my jacket. Then, as I walked I saw a very tall bald man look at me from behind the counter as well (I believe he is a manger of the cafe) and I could tell he wasn't really feelin' it. I heard him say something about what I was doing being borderline somethin' somethin', but couldn't decipher what he was saying.
When I actually got up to the counter and he addressed me "Can I help you?" I turned my head slowly to look him straight in the eyes to which he replied "I consider this loitering and I'm going to have to ask you to leave." I stared for a second longer..."Can I have a bagel with peanut butter?"

This moment is where I find the most interest. It was one of the most intense moments of needed control. Control as far as fighting the fear of a much taller man, a manger for a cafe, and the fear of going against everything in my head telling me to not go against the social norms put in place for when someone asks a question; especially when staring that person straight in the eye. There were ways that I slightly gave into these pressures - not taking as long to look him in the eye, being slightly more compliant after asking for a bagel than I may usually be (not specifically asking for an 'everything' bagel). However, I could while I did feel the pressure, and did give in slightly, I also pushed beyond these moments, ignoring those pressures in many other ways. Rejecting them. Taking control of the helm instead of letting myself be guided (hijacked?) by my socially-conscious self.

He was so angry with me, furious even. Why did he have such a violent reaction to a fairly innocent act? This I do not know. What societal norm was I going against to even provoke such a rise in him? This I also don't know. The only thing I really know is that there are societal norms in all societies, and when individuals go against those norms, it can cause uproars of varying levels - often quite negative for some reason. I know this happens, and I know most individuals in these societies are afraid of (don't want to experience) the consequences involved when being "anti-norm."

The consequences in this case were not being able to stay in the location I was in, and not being able to get a bagel, which I was quite looking forward to.

While these are perfectly nasty consequences, I could have easily gotten a bagel from a different place, not even a block away. What I think was the worst consequence in my mind, what I was most afraid of, was that of getting publicly humiliated. If I had not complied with his look of "get your act together and act like you're supposed to" he would have broadcast to everyone in that cafe that I was a non-compliant member of this society. Nothing more than that. A bunch of people I never met before, and probably would never see again. It was their opinion that caused me to feel - quite honestly - a bit of terror.

It troubles me how important that was.

Day-Write #2

January 25, 2010

Dancing by yourself in an extremely public space (on the corner of High and 15th near Jimmy Johns, a very traveled area) is terrifying. You feel this pressure telling you what you're doing - sort of detailing out in your mind what your actions are within society's walls. Or rather, what you're doing and how it ranks in the scheme of things you can and can't do. Trying to describe to your conscious self that what you're about to do is going to be this, this, this and this - embarrassing - within the eyes of others...
Even while I was dancing I felt that pressure. For me, once the process begins that fear often diminishes. Yet I constantly felt the eyes and thoughts of others coming down on me, what they might be thinking, the words of ridicule and judgment going through their mind, and whether or not they feel positively or negatively about what I'm doing.

Compare this with the experience of dancing in everyday places with others, and it's an entirely different story. Why that is, I don't really know for sure. It makes sense to my mind that it is because I have back up in a group "These other people are doing it too so it's ok. Multiple people approve, so it's OK!!" Power in numbers. But when you're by yourself, it's all on you. All the pressure is pushing down, and only you are there to hold it up. You have to decide whether or not you care. Physically nothing is happening to you, no real pressure is there, nobody watching is actually doing anything tangible to me, so you have to decide whether or not to imagine that pressure. Choose whether or not to feel embarrassed.


Why is it scary to go beyond what's already been approved? Going into the unknown...the mysterious.